Help! I woke up the Beast!

Before we lock horns with the Beast, let’s be clear, this post is meant for normal relationships and fights. I cannot emphasize the word normal enough. Nothing about this post should be taken in association with a relationship which has at its core subtle, mediocre or extensive abuse (physical/verbal/emotional). If you feel you are in an abusive relationship, please, please, please DO seek help. It is a sincere request.

Now, to get to the matter at hand.

The Beast.

You woke it up. Or it woke up. Simplified, you had a fight with your spouse. A major one. What now? Perhaps it was your fault. Or theirs. Or neither. Or both.

How to get past it?

Enter…Me…!

Here are a few tips from my spectacled mind, to tread these Lego-filled grounds, barefoot. Hope it hurts less than it looks!

Note to self: I am not a relationship guru...

1. Stay away from each other:

What about all the counseling essays about not taking the fight to bed?

What about that advice about making up before sleep?

Yeah…about that… doesn’t always work. When we have a full-blown fight, as humans, we do need time to cool down. Agreed…there are some amazing, angelic people who calm down instantly, or at any rate, considerably quickly, after an argument. Most of us are not one of those. And let’s be honest, after such a quarrel, the face/voice/presence of the very person whom we love from the core of our heart; annoys us to that very same core. On the contrary, if you are one of the angelic types, don’t make that decision for your partner. They may not be. They may be like us…normal, imperfect, faulty humans.

Take a relaxing bath. Read a good book with a hot cup of coffee. Paint. Draw. Take a walk. Shop. Take a hike. Vent in your diary. Watch a movie. Cook. Clean the backyard and the front yard. Do your laundry and that of the entire house. Anything to help cool you down. Anything to vent it all out. To relax you. A relaxed mind, as would most agree, thinks clearly and makes better decisions.

2. Do NOT seek a human medium:

One thing I strongly believe is that between a husband and a wife, everyone else is a third person. Your parents; their parents. Your family; their family. Your friends; their friends. Yup, yup and yup. Even your children.

Do not make a third person a medium of venting. Especially children. It does not bode well.

In case of family and friends; the complains usually stick to their minds and how they see your partner. Might even give way to unnecessary speculations, anxiety or the worst, gossip. In case of children, well… they are just that. Naïve young people. Emotionally vulnerable towards their parents. Do not taint their free and impressionable minds with talking ill of the other parent, especially when you know it will phase off and both of you will move on. They may not.

Remember, if you make way for others to interfere in, what should be, a one-on-one relationship, it does nothing but create a gap and lack of trust between you two. Applies to both the genders. Contrary to popular belief, men are no exception to incessant complaining.

3. Initiate the conversation:

Do not wait for the other person to make an elaborate apology. Yes, as advised above, give them the time to cool off. An evening. A night. A whole day. A day and a night. Then swallow your ego, make a move, and talk to them. Ego always creates a wall, whereas our focus should be on building bridges.

4. Forgive quickly:

If you have had considerable amount of time to calm down and think clearly, and if your partner is initiating; please move on! (Folded hands)… don’t drag it anymore. Trust me… if there is a persistent one-sided effort after every argument, the other party is bound to get tired and oblivious towards you sooner or later. It’s always best to mix-‘n’-match.

5. Talk it out:

If the issue was trivial, let it go! Feel free to sing the song here.

Bury it, say a prayer over the grave and be done. If it was something that continues to bother you, talk it out at an appropriate time. As important as it is to make up, as also it is to not have that annoying, nagging feeling at the back of your mind. Validate your emotions and concerns. Voice it. Discuss it. Explain it. Always assume that nobody has magic powers to understand you without you spelling it out. Some may…most don’t.

Sensible talks, even with conflicting views, would only result in a furthermore strengthened bond. Reach a middle-ground if you can’t take either side. But never let it fester in your heart. It will, sooner or later, consume you.

Additionally, go on a Ceasefire Celebration.

Yup people! We might have just coined a new relationship term! (Cue whooping!)

Celebrate your reunion, no matter how silly it sounds. Celebrate each milestone, even if it is as small as making up after a stupid fight. In the end, it is these small moments which stick with us through our lives.

Tragic but true it is, that in most cases, one from between the spouses, will be left alone, without the other, to walk the remainder of our lives with these memories. No one, no matter how close, can replace your companion of life. So cherish each other, not just the loving moments, but also the not-so-loving ones. Each of these form small pieces of this kaleidoscope of the colorful life you share. Towards the very end, we will twirl them in our memories and recall each one with fondness.

To end on a lighter note, what if you are the Beast?

Well… here’s a trick I taught myself to rein in my beast mode.

Imagine your spouse sleeping peacefully on the bed after the fight…completely unconcerned with how you feel. Look at that stress free, wrinkle free face. Anger building up already? Good!

Now imagine yourself standing over them, a red bucket in hand. Why a red bucket? I don’t know! I just like the idea of a red bucket. Go ahead and imagine any color you like. Pink. Black. Golden.

Next, imagine the bucket filled to the brim with chilled water, clinking ice cubes and all.

Now, imagine dumping the whole bucket of chilling, liquid vengeance over the peaceful, unsuspecting party.

There! You have it! What you imagine next is up to you.

As they say…revenge is a dish…